Hello, I think my dissociation is getting bad again. Crazy way to start a journal entry but, what else is there to say? The hours are turning into days, days are turning into weeks and it feels like I'm skipping so much time. I don't really feel much for myself except disgust. I mean it. From the things I say, the way I interact with others, the way I look, it's all just so inhuman. I don't look like myself but at the same time I can't tell you what I even look like. This life is a mess. I'm not usually one to spill my guts but I guess today is an exception. I don't really know why it's getting this bad, it's just. . .kinda like I'm watching myself do things. I'm walking beside myself as I work, I'm watching my own body make decisions when talking to others and it's like some comedic The Office type deal where I'm just looking into a camera and shaking my head like 'what is this bitch saying???'. I used to think maybe it was more than dissociation. Like maybe it's just..I don't know. Something that could be controlled. But my last therapist just continued to drill it into my head that it was depersonalization/dissociation disorder. Which...idk. I guess she knows more than I do so I don't really question her. I just feel like I'm such a different person and I'm constantly fucking changing. Like I can't be one version of myself for too long or I start to freak out. I know that ties into BPD as well since I also went over it with my last therapist. But like. . ugh. I don't know man. It's silly to admit but I kind of assumed all of this would go away once I hit a big girl age like 20 or 21. I know I kinda say this way too often, but I think if I had the chance to kill myself and start over, I would. Even if it hurt everyone I loved and cared about. If I really were guaranteed that chance, whether I would live the same life or another, I would do it. Instantly. This journal entry probably will not stay up for long due to how vulnerable it is. I don't know. We will see what happens with me, I guess. I need another therapist. Medication. Something.