I'm getting so sick and tired of how things seem to be going for me lately. I seriously don't understand what is fucking wrong with me. I had some issues going on with a loved one and that really made me lose my fucking mind. I had started spiraling and I was off work so I didn't have anything to distract myself with. I've been doing nothing but sleeping all day and playing Resident Evil 4 on and off. It's not really even catching my attention, honestly, it was just something to do. I couldn't pick up Devil May Cry because that was our thing. I felt stuck. And now that things are patched up, it just feels the same. I don't feel anything bad towards them or anything. I've tried to let up on myself and guilt but I feel terrible. Other than that, I drank a lot last night and maybe that's why I'm feeling miserable too? I don't know. I seriously need to get a therapist again. I'm spiraling more and more and I just feel stuck. I'm crying all the time. I'm splitting over everything again. And I'm starting to get that same attitude I used to have where I just wanted to kill myself every single day. Even if it wasn't a bad day. I don't know. I miss how things were before I moved here. I kind of miss being a friendless loser and I miss when no one really knew who I was. And now it's too late to take all of that back. I don't know. I seriously need to be put on meds. My dissociation issues are getting worse. I've had to be corrected about how old I was because I genuinely just don't fucking remember my age anymore. I don't remember anything. These days are just starting to mend together and at the same time none of them exist. Everyone around me has just turned into meaningless annoyances. I'm starting to feel like I'm stuck in a video game again. It sounds stupid but I really am getting that feeling where I'm the only conscious person. But at the same time can I even say that when I don't feel real? Nothing has meaning anymore. Everything is out of my control. I really just want to quit my job, delete everything and disappear. I used to be good at that. I seriously need to get checked out so I can be fixed. I don't know how much longer I can live like this again.