Hey. . .Life lately has been fairly hard on me I guess. It's interesting how bad things can get before you even realize they're like that. Everything has been quite confusing for me lately. It's been confusing for me and Toby lately. It feels like both of us are stuck in this maze. . .both of us are at different ends and we can't just meet each other in the middle or communicate or do anything about it except just continue to wander. It feels like there's been this thick fog over my head for a long time now and it just keeps getting thicker with every day. I've been feeling like this for about a month now but. . .I don't know. Everyone else in my life has their own problems it would just be stupid of me to even say anything I guess. I mean I have said something but I always just end up backtracking and sweeping things right back under the rug you know? I'm not sure why. Even now I feel like it's so silly to even say anything like this in my own area.
I feel as if I'm going crazy sometimes. As if things aren't as bad as they seem and I'm just. . .conjuring this aching feeling out of thin air to make everything worse. I don't think there's any real reason for me to feel anything when everyone around me has worse going on for them. I guess I just wish I could change everything you know? Go back in time and tell younger Alex to do these certain things. . Go to public school,don't move, don't get that job, don't be friends with them, stand up for yourself, and such. But it's too late to realize those things and build on them. I always say there's no sense in worrying about the decisions I didn't make but I find they're almost always on my mind. What could've been and what should've gone better. I feel as if ever since my early teens I've just been making one bad choice after another. Or I feel as if that's the only choice for me to make. . .I feel as if the time I had to grow was already taken from me by the time I have the chance to grow. I feel like all of the emotions I have stored in my body are wrong and I'm just a machine with bad wiring. I can't do anything without malfunctioning and exploding on everyone around me. Even now, look at me. . Look at this whole thing, it's just another explosion from having the wrong feelings about things. I don't know. I need to head to bed.